Immortal - Northern Chaos Gods (Nu-Metal)

Words cannot describe how pointless this album is. At its "best", Northern Chaos Gods sounds like a bunch of instruments falling down a staircase while some trash-can humping trailer park poser (Demonaz) is busy coughing up dust in the background.

This pathetic attempt at blackened metalcore features some of the most insipid "riffing" since Diamond Darrell accidentally sat on the wrong end of his 3-string guitar and wedged it up his asshole while recording Cowboys from Hell. Except Pantera had a few semi-decent half-riffs left on that mediocre album, whilst "the nu Immortal" is absolutely incapable of recording anything vaguely memorable even whilst it plagiarises riffs from Burzum, Mayhem, Neraines and even its own repertoire (At the Heart of Winter, mostly).

Basically, everything on this disc has already been written by Abbath, both for Immortal and his various side-projects (in between boning Demonaz's sister), Cradle of Filth and Dimmu Borgir. Now, I have nothing against being unoriginal, but only if it involves plagiarising something good. What the incestuous cuck Demonaz has done with this worthless abomination Northern Chaos Gods, is simply take the least interesting elements of the "Century Media / Nu-clear / Roadrunner" mallcore formula and made a habit of watering it down even further. So, you get the three-note Gothenburger riffing, unimaginative drumming (with mandatory thin, shitty drum triggers) and the usual try-hard raspy vocals added to make gullible idiots think it's "black metal" when it really has more in common with Slipknot given a Gaythenburg makeover than anything even Abbath would have released in his drunken stupor.

Get ready for the pattern established by progenitors such as Nightwish, Watain, In Flames, and Cradle of Filth: tepid-ass power metal "riffing" with too much metalcore and too little balls (or even ovaries) to have any impact whatsoever. I would say this album screams "bog standard", but that would imply a level of capability to BE bog-standard. Nu-Immortal can't even manage that.

Northern Chaos Gods is insipid crap that possesses not even the barest trace of what could conceivably be described as metal. All Shall Fall is Altars of Madness compared to this mallcore diarrhoea. Recommended for people who enjoy masturbating to their own sisters getting boned by their bandmates.