Dimmu Borgir - Eonian (Black Metal)

Fraudulently promoted by Nu-clear Blast as symphonic "black metal", Dimmu Borgir's Eonian (sic) is an ungainly fusion of In Flames type melodeath, Pantera flavoured brocore grooves, Korn-esque nu-metal single-note chugging, and maybe a slight hint of extreme metal writing at times… by mistake. While it's somewhat amusing to watch these clueless posers attempt to resurrect the long-abandoned style of pop metal after so many years of neglect, there's really nothing to detract from the fact that this album is simply awful on pretty much every level imaginable. It's so bad that the only possible realms of comparison would be with Watain and Gorgoroth, as even Dimmu Borgir's previous output never sank to this level of downright worthlessness.

Dimmu Bore Gear ape nu Mayhem in making bowel movement sounds with their guitars, in what could only very loosely be defined as "riffs". The guitars themselves, as plastic sounding as Happy Meals toy instruments, aren't particularly solicited as the main "melodic" driving force behind these tracks appears in the form of cheesy Casio synths playing video game soundtrack music. Indeed, flavours of Zelda, Mario and Donkey Kong are all over this piece of worthless mallcore garbage Eonian.

The vocals are patterned after the modern "extreme metal" shout along choruses of Arch Enemy, Soilwork or Carcass, and the fact that the nu-metal lyrics about Slaughter of the Soul cringe material - ex. "Knowing when to end a journey is to recognize where it begins, what we really seek is not here but on the other side of fear" - are so easily decipherable only makes the whole package seem all the more unappealing to anyone with a three digit IQ. I recommend this album Eonian to fans of Watain and shit eating.