Satyricon - Dark Medieval Times (Black Metal)

Though the genre tag in my media player says "black metal", Dark Medieval Times is actually limp-dicked indie rock (and not even hard rock, at that) with a barely edgy black metal aesthetic. One "man" is responsible for this clown show, including the humiliatingly effeminate vocals, although rumour has it that Frost, of Zyklon-B fame, handled the drumming.

The "best" parts of the album remind me of another one-man half-assed indie rock act, Nargaroth, that was incompetent but at least not overwhelmingly homoerotic. The other parts sound like the forceful butt rock of Baroness, sans any of the amusing guitar parts, and even free of any pretence toward being metal at all. Dark Medieval Times is always just a few rap verses away from Linkin Park. Or worse, Gorgoroth.

Just listen to the first song, "Walk the Path of Sorrow" (and on what kind of path is this poser walking which allows effete proto-DSBM song titles like that in black metal?), which sounds like the introduction to a sing along number in a direct-to-DVD sequel of a mediocre Disney movie, and you'll detect a light-pale grey perhaps, but definitely no black. And certainly no metal.

Satyr needs to lay off the weed, opiates, sedatives and/or oestrogen, or whatever the hell else he uses to ego trip himself into thinking that Dark Medieval Times is a worthy contribution to black metal, or even music universally. Give him about eight hits of acid, tie him to a chair, and make him watch a few hours of Burzum's MTV music video on repeat. Maybe that'll give him some idea of what is expected of black metal, so he can quit trying to play it and go back to work doing literally anything other than producing this kind of emasculate waste.

Disclaimer: I could not sit through this entire album, even after trying twice. I recommend it to absolutely no one, except maybe Ihsahn (to make him feel somewhat more masculine).